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The rest of that evening following the ceremony, I was in a daze. I was trying to piece together my escape, all while outwardly smiling and dancing at the reception. I knew that my husband would be watching my every move, and any misstep on my part would be looked at as me intentionally embarrassing him, which would mean more bruises. I kept up the act as best as I could that night, and the next couple of days. I sent him off to work that Monday with a smile and a kiss, and got started on my plan.
I worked part time at a hardware store. He had convinced me to quit my job after we got married, but a little over a year later I convinced him that I needed something to do with my time since we had both agreed to wait awhile on kids. The hardware store was close to the house, and didn’t require a lot of my time, so he was okay with it. My coworkers were friendly, but I kept to myself for the most part. Still, they couldn’t help but notice the swelling in my face at times. One of my coworkers, Ben, had slid a note to me with his phone number on it about a year and a half earlier. “When you’re ready to get out,” he had said quietly and patted my hand gently before walking away as tears filled my eyes.
That Monday was Ben’s off day and I called him right away. “It’s Natalie,” I said as soon as he picked up, “I’m ready.” I held my breath, hoping and praying that he would really help me. I didn’t think I could really get out by myself, and he was kind of my only hope. I breathed a sigh of relief when he finally said, “I’m glad you called.” We discussed a plan: all I had to do was pack and act normal that night and the next morning. Ben took care of the rest.
By the time my husband got back home that evening, I had cleaned and cooked his favorite meal. He told me about his day, while we had drinks and listened to music, and then we watched a movie together. I did whatever he wanted, because I didn’t want to get hit, but also because it almost felt like it did in the beginning. Before the abuse started. It may sound crazy, but I cuddled with him most of that night. I cried silently when he fell asleep holding me. I almost stayed. It was so easy in those moments to pretend that it could always be that way, but I knew better by that point.
The next morning, he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner that night. I reminded him that I had to work that evening, and wouldn’t be home til after 10. My heart pounded as I thought about the two suitcases and the duffel bag, packed and hidden in the back of my closet. I was so afraid that he would demand that I not go in that day or come home early. “Tomorrow then,” he said, as he bent down to kiss me goodbye. I held on just a few seconds longer than usual. He pulled back and flashed his charming smile before closing the door. That was the last time I saw him.
I waited about two hours, then called Ben. We drove three states away to a domestic violence shelter that he had called the day before. We stopped a few times and pawned some of my “apology jewelry” along the way. I tried to pay him for gas, food, his time…for caring enough to help. He wouldn’t take anything. He said I would need to keep as much as I could since I wouldn’t be able to use my bank cards or get any more money from the ATM in case my husband tried tracking me. I learned a lot about Ben on that trip, including his reason for helping me: he had a sister that was in an abusive marriage. She ended up taking her own life. In the note she left her family, she said that she would rather die by her own hands than her husband’s. From what he told me, her situation seemed more severe than mine, but in the end what really mattered is that she didn’t feel like there was anyone that would help her get out. Ben said he couldn’t take thinking that I might have been feeling the same way. I’ll never be able to repay him for his kindness.
The shelter he brought me to was temporary. I was sent to another location the very next day where they help you do things like legally change your name and find somewhere else to live permanently. I had never seen the west coast, and more importantly, I didn’t think my husband would come all the way out here to look for me. So that’s how I ended up here. New name, new town, new job…a whole new life really. It’s taken some time to get used to. I still find myself looking over my shoulder at times, and I’m still nervous about meeting new people, but I know I’ll be okay.
Natalie breathed a sigh of relief and smiled as she looked around the room. There was a light applause as she stepped down from the podium. She walked towards her seat, but then changed her mind and headed to the door. She had done what she came to do. She knew she wouldn’t be back, and she didn’t want to stick around and exchange numbers with people she would never call. She didn’t want this story, and these circumstances to define her new life. She was finally free.
Written By: SM Grady
© 2018 SM Grady
