Taylor sat quietly, staring at the tiles on the floor. She tried to imagine herself being anywhere other than where she was at the moment, but the strong scent of disinfectants kept forcing her back to reality. Who could visualize sitting on a beach, watching the waves, when it smelled like Clorox was coming out of the vents? She didn’t know it then of course, but that smell would haunt her for years. She looked at her hands. Pale white, as if she hadn’t seen the sun in years. She lowered her head and focused her attention back to the tiles, trying to forget how she ended up here in the first place.

If Taylor were being honest with herself, she was angry. She was angry that she was here alone, making decisions that 18-year-old girls shouldn’t have to make by themselves. But there was no one else. She had left home a few years ago, and was now living with her aunt who she couldn’t stand to disappoint. How do you tell the person that took you in out of the blue, paid for extra tutoring to help you get caught up and qualify for scholarships, and was so proud that you were getting a full-ride to college that you put all of that at risk for one night with the captain of the baseball team?

She sat up and slipped her hand under her sweatshirt to rest it on her stomach. It was still flat of course, and she felt nothing when she placed her hand there. Nothing but regret, but that was her default emotion nowadays. Taylor finally felt brave enough to look around the waiting room. There were only a few other girls in there, two with young boys who looked just as nervous as Taylor felt, and one with an older woman who wore a fixed expression of disappointment. That was the look Taylor was trying to avoid by coming here alone.

Jamie, the baseball captain, turned out to be useless. He had called her every day for weeks before his big party, and then maybe twice after. When she called to tell him her period was late, his response was, “I thought you were smart enough to be on the pill.” Taylor tried to tell herself that he was surprised and scared just like she was, so she waited a few days and called him again. He offered her money and a ride to the clinic. That was three weeks ago, and it was also the last time they spoke.

Taylor’s thoughts were interrupted by two of the girls being called to the back. Now it was only her, and the girl with the disappointed woman. The woman fixed her glare on Taylor for several seconds. She looked down again, this time staring at her shoes. She thought of the woman across the room, and the woman that was outside protesting as she had walked in earlier this morning. They couldn’t possibly be more disappointed in her than she was in herself. And she didn’t know if the woman across the room was willing to help the young girl she was with or not, but she was willing to bet the woman outside wasn’t offering a home to any of the girls (or their babies) that she was trying to shame into not coming into the clinic.

Taylor pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time. She had only been there for 45 minutes, but it seemed like forever. She thought about her goals and how far she had come already, and all the ways she wanted to pay her aunt back one day. She wouldn’t be able to do it with a baby, she told herself.  I don’t know what to do with a kid. I can’t give up my scholarship. I don’t even have a job. And there was no way she was going to put that responsibility on her aunt. Absolutely not. How could I have been so stupid? The tears she had been holding back came rushing forward. She sobbed silently until a nurse came to the door and called her name. As she was standing up, her aunt called. She answered the phone with a cracked voice, and almost caved and told her everything. “I’ll call you back,” Taylor said softly instead as the nurse called her name again.

Just as she reached the door the nurse was holding open, Taylor felt stuck in place. Her phone buzzed again. It was a text from her aunt:

Were you crying? What’s wrong?

The nurse asked Taylor if she needed to step outside and make a call first. She closed her eyes for several seconds then shook her head no, but her feet were still frozen in place.

“You know you have…,” the nurse started in a soft, sympathetic voice.

“I know. I’m ready,” Taylor said strongly, cutting her off.

She stepped through the doorway and powered her phone off as the door swung shut behind her.

Written By: SM Grady

© 2018 SM Grady